I find Christmas to be quite stressful. I'm not very good at getting people what they like or meeting deadlines, so Christmas is a mash up of those things with little sprinkles of baby Jesus and Frank Sinatra sings Christmas thrown in for flavor. It's not that I can't appreciate the season, it's just that I don't. **There's also this weird, pseudo-anarchist part of me that things part of the cruelty of christmas is the idea that corporations know that you're more likely to buy shit for yourself because you're out buying shit for people anyway, therefore sending you further into crippling debt under the guise of being kind to others.
Anyway, I've been trying to come up with some gifts for the people in my life and it's been a struggle. Apparently, my gift ideas are things that prove that those who I'm closest to in life are actually total strangers to me. Maybe I'm so enveloped in my own little world I never learned about my friends to figure these things out. Maybe my friends are boring and sad people who need little more than a new drama series on netflix and a basket of muffins to get them through the day. Maybe I'm just so poverty-stricken that the idea of giving someone a gift I didn't find left on a park bench seems outrageous. Whatever the reason, you know what you get from me for Christmas? Gift Cards.
Gift cards are like the polite way of telling someone, I know nothing about you, but I know you're human and live in this country, so you probably have to eat/consume caffeine. Since I haven't heard you talk about how meat is murder, I give you the gift of an entree at Applebee's. If I have heard you talk about how meat is murder, here is a Starbuck's card and a nobody-likes-you keychain.
The thing that seems so weird about gift cards, is that not only are you telling someone you know nothing about them, you're also ordering them to do something your way. It's like handing someone a card that says, I don't know you, but I feel like you should sit down at a Red Lobster and put food in your mouth.
So the pros of gift cards? Well, there's gotta be some sense of honesty in handing someone a piece of plastic with a designated monetary value stamped on the front. It's like a nonverbal assessment of how much you like someone you don't know very well. Sure I don't know your birthday, but your approval is worth a whole $20 in lattes!!
In that sense, these are the best gifts for your cynical friends, and you'll know, sometime, somewhere, you controlled what somebody ate that day.
Someone tell me how this happened?
Some stuff happened...
...I got nothin'.
What I mean to say is somewhere between last December and now, it became almost next year.
At the short trip to the bottom of this blog I made a list of nine things I wanted to do this year. Since there's only 30 days left, here's how t hat went (WARNING: THIS POST IS SELF INDULGENT FROM HEREON OUT!):
1. Exercise more. Stop being such a lazy ass.
Aside from walking the dog every day, and riding my bike everywhere in the summer, this was a complete bust. Although now that I think about it, riding my bike all the time in the summer fucking counts. I just got lazy in the fall, because it's cold and now I want the extra fat for warmth.
2.Start showing art. Stop being such a lazy ass.
This didn't happen at all. I don't even think I made any attempts to. It's strange, but these days I look at art the way other people look at alcohol. It's definitely not a good way to support yourself, but you really prefer the way it makes you see the world.
3. Finish my book. Stop being...ya know.
Given that my laptop got stolen, I'm giving myself a pass on this one. Some goals are intervened upon, and that's not the same as giving up. Have I given up? I dunno. That's a pondering for a more nihilistic day.
4. Learn Spanish. Fuck it, why not? I mean...porque no?
I've made little stabs at this, but nothing that really amounted to much. I don't know why. Maybe I haven't had time.
5.Travel. At least a little.
I did get to go to New York and see some family this year.
6.Start a Garden.
7. Make new friends. Be more social. That kind of thing.
This is a yes'n'no. I have met a few people and been more outgoing, but I go out a lot less frequently and I'm a lot more selective about my process of making friends.
8.Do well in school. I guess this isn't a resolution exactly so much as something I just really want to continue.
Nailed that shit! Got a scholarship!
9. Take a photograph every day. This is one of those tasks that sounds so simple but somehow I'm never able to do. (Other daily tasks include Freewriting and 10 minute Scribbling)
I did this twice. Which might be a good thing because at least my camera never got stolen.
So in review, what nine things did happen this year?
1. Took apart a dead person. For school, not for any weird reason.
2. I got a dog.
3. I started doing comedy a little more. I dig that shit.
4. I shushed a guy who I caught breaking in to my boyfriend's car. Like he was a cat and not an armed robber. Because I've got rock steady nerves.
5. I helped build a module for NASA and was co-President of STEM. Because I'm a nerd, that's why I take apart dead people, not the weird other reasons.
6. My backpack, with my laptop, and half of the graphic novel I was working on still inside, was stolen. Never got it back. Some might call that something of a set back.
Okay so six things happened, and while I guess they aren't all what I'd call achievements, that's what happened. I'm not really sure if I have plans for next year. Maybe a couple...we'll see. So what are my thoughts, how do I feel about this, good year/bad year? Not a lot. I think that's what happens as you get older. You watch things pass around you on the tilt-o-whirl of life, and somewhere amidst the bright colors and children's vomit, you adjust. It becomes okay that things are no longer amazing or terrifying.
So the year in review has simply been this year of my life. I've heard there will be a few more in the future.
About A Blog
I'm a Denver Comedian, occasional cartoonist and person of interest to someone, probably. These articles are really too long.