I have spent a lot of time thinking about meaning and motive, and I'll probably continue thinking about shit like that until I die. I don't consider myself a very intelligent person, but I do think of myself as very thoughtful, if it didn't sound like some shitty app startup, I'd call myself "ideaful." That's really all I've got going on, I put together a lot of ideas. I also have lived in such a way where I vocalize my ideas to bored people who are stoked to have something to do, and mostly for that reason, my ideas become realities. I'm not really sure how difficult that is to do, it's never been hard for me but I hear others struggle. I guess it depends on the mass appeal of the idea and the bonds you have with other people, but I don't really have any answers to why some shit works and some doesn't.
I'm a very curious individual, I like to see what happens when my ideas come to fruition. In essence, that's creativity; that's how art is made, jokes are written, sites like this are built up. As I get older I'm beginning to realize that curiosity is like an appetite, and it requires something to feed it; there are times when that can get dark, and violent.
Curiosity is a carnivore. The roots for the word "curiosity" in Latin stem from both "cautious" and "care", elements I'd argue real curiosity isn't concerned with. Curiosity is the path that destroys wonder; curiosity wants to learn, test, and create. Even so, curiosity is proactive wonder. In itself, that sentence sounds like the kind of shit middle school science teachers throw around before they tell you about space lightning and hand you a pamphlet for astronaut camp, and not a very terrible thing. Curiosity is just natural, it's human, it helps us achieve greatness.
All of that's true, curiosity is natural, but nature as a rule is indifferent, and indifference can lead to some very complicated, very evil things. This is why I'm troubled by the nihilists.
Speaking as a very curious person, I test things. "Same shit, different day," are the most terrifying arrangement of words in my vocabulary. I spend a lot of my time and squirrely resources trying to find ways to make that statement inherently false.
I will fuck up my life just to see how far people will let me go, and to learn what exactly it takes to get it back. I am an emotionally unrefined person, and it's been a carving process to shape my understanding of how I feel. I don't like to have any opinions that I don't understand. You're taught growing up that doing things are wrong, but until you do the wrong thing, do you really understand why? Maybe I'm just mistrustful, or maybe I just don't believe people know my best interests better than I do.
I'm so curious about what motivates people and what has meaning to them, and if I see someone value what is ostensibly meaningless, it's hard for me to resist the urge not to break it. In some fucked up way, I view people as toys. I like them a lot, and I play with them, but I don't really think twice about dropping them, or how they might feel about the situations I bring them into. My concept of emotion is too limited, and this limit is something that frequently motivates me to do emotionally detrimental things. I'm pushing myself because I'm curious, I don't understand, and I want to. I can't say I'm proud of myself for a lot of my shitty situations, but doing them made me understand myself better, and appreciate and understand why I did those things and maybe why I shouldn't do them again.
I'm often lumped in with the nihilists, the ones who believe that life is meaningless, and therefore you should just fuck everything and stop worrying. I should point out I'm referring to the nihilists in my life circle and not some better understanding of people who ascribe to that philosophy as a whole. I don't reject this belief as nonsense but I find it a little ... for lack of a less condescending word, unsophisticated.
Living like that suggests you live without context. I don't think life is meaningless, but I don't believe that anything inherently holds meaning either. We assign things meaning, and I also hold that belief about people. I think this is why I don't particularly like to be touched; it doesn't mean anything to me. If you believe that nothing is capable of having meaning, and you're running through the world, setting shit on fire to see the world burn, I can't imagine you're learning anything. I have to admit, I was this kind of person for a long time, and then I got kicked in the teeth and realized learned how little I enjoyed that feeling. Learning that was so valuable, I began to look for other things to learn about pain, and I guess that's the point I'm at in my life right now, or the one I'm just coming out of. It's honestly a bit hard to tell given how the context of time is so fluid.
Maybe nihilists don't want to learn anything. Maybe that's not as big a hobby to some people as it is to me, I don't know. I think I'm getting away from myself.
Here is what I learned about curiosity: just like everything else, it holds no inherent meaning. Curiosity is no more innately positive or negative than eating or shitting. It is one of the billions of processes our chemical mill of a brain undergoes. Curiosity does, however, extrapolate some sense of meaning through intent, or more specifically motivation. This is where we find our mad scientists, our mad artists, madness in general, I suppose.
Motivation and intent are different creatures. Motivation is the drive that propels you, intent is the cause. You can have pure intent and bad motivation, I think that's one of the more common flaws of curious people. I find motivation is frequently an emotional buildup, but which ones vary on the day to day.
I've felt lonely most of my life, which is odd because as far as most things go, I have a pretty social existence, and I also really value being by myself. Loneliness also shares the ironic condition of being a near epidemic. We are all lonely. Loneliness is a pretty powerful motivator, and it can back some pretty good intentions.
Your motivation can be loneliness, and your intent can be to feel accepted, but because the underlying motivation isn't acceptance, whatever you're going to reach in the end is going to be a little bit sideways. I realized this when it came to seeking romantic partners; I do it when I feel lonely, which is a pretty logical reason to want a relationship but an awful footing to start out on.
That's why we spend so much time lying to each other, because we want our motivation and our intent to be the same thing, but sometimes they don't correlate. When they don't, we end up doing terrible things. I think the only reason you should seek out a relationship with another human being, romantic or otherwise, is because you like that person. That person won't necessarily make you feel less alone. Loneliness is part of your human package. What you'll develop though, if you base a relationship off of each other instead of a need to feel less alone, is a stronger bond that will palliate that sense of loneliness, if only for the times you're together.
This is especially true for physical intimacy. Being with someone sexually will make you feel less alone for the moments you're doing it, but you'll end up facing that same chasm shortly after, and it will only feel more exhausting, more abysmal. You've gotten literally as close to another person as you physically can, and you are still alone. That's such a terrible feeling we frequently inflict upon ourselves, and each other for the sake of not feeling lonely.
If you are looking for meaning in anything, if that is your intent, it's important to understand that your motivation for that search should not be the feeling of loneliness. Ideally, it's that sense of wonder that motivates you, and ironically, that sense of wonder will get eaten alive by your curiosity. Learning is a bit self destructive in how it decimates your sense of wonder. Often times we travel into these tunnels just to find what's shining at the end is the sunlight we had just left behind.
None of this makes learning or curiosity bad, by the way, like I said, it's natural, and therefore indifferent. What you gain from learning, that you lack with wonder is understanding. So far as I know life tends to be that cycle on repeat ad nauseum. The thing that makes it enjoyable or not, detrimental or not, is motivation. Figuring out why you do anything is greatly important in not becoming your own monster. To figure out why you do anything, you have to figure out what you are, and that's an undertaking not a lot of people have the time for.
Some people are simple, or they think all of my thoughts are unnecessary. They prefer to be conscious without being thoughtful, and I don't have any argument as to why you shouldn't be like that or why you should be like me. I am the way that I am, and I come up with ideas because that's apparently what I do. There's no way for me not to be this person that I am, not without an exhausting amount of effort towards making each day very similar. If you think about it, not being yourself is effectively a form of living suicide. You're killing yourself every time you try and pretend that's not who you are. No wonder people get so depressed in their shitty jobs they don't want to be doing.
I don't really know what motivates me aside from I want to understand what I feel. My feelings are partly mine and partly something else. I have a monster that lets me know which paths I shouldn't take. It's hard to necessarily know what motivates oneself, and I can't say I often know why I desire to do the things I do. I think as humans, we seek comfort, companionship, and a sense of divinity in one another. Our hope and our hell is other people. The only difference is that motive. Once you learn to recognize why you want to do something you can decide whether or not you should explore it. If your only reason is to break someone because you are hurt, or lonely, you shouldn't touch it. If you want to understand something, to join the aether as it were, only to become more of an individual on your way out, that's about as good a person as I know how to be, a carnivore with a conscience.