There was a hailstorm in Denver yesterday. Chunks of ice the size of golf balls crashed onto our city, smashing houses, windows, and unfortunate people. It wasn't hard at all for me, in all the noise and flying ice, to see how in the eyes of ancient men, this was a punishment from heaven. To blame weather on the moods of gods, to fix drought or flood by appeasing them with sacrifices and ceremonies makes a lot of sense if all you have to go off of is your life, your people, and the sky.
We are no longer an ancient civilization that has only our families and the sky to learn from. We are now a civilization of device and vice, distraction and critique. Everything and every one is analyzed, even the weather. It means nothing. It means climate change. It means we need to invest in a suit of armor if we're going to leave the house.
Then the storm settled. It went from crashing stones to barely specks, to nothing at all, silence resumed its space in sky. They're called weather patterns for a reason; if A and B are present, C can be expected. Storms are recipes based off of events and conditions. By watching them, we know how they are created, we can predict when and how intensely they will exist.
Jordan showed up in my dream last night. He does from time to time. I don't really remember the context of the dream at all but it was one of the better ones I've had where he drops in. It's his birthday today. This is the first year I'm not wishing him a happy birthday. We still saw each other a lot last year, even though it was in the midst of some bizarre deluge of post-relationship emotion and most of the time really sucked. I still wished him Happy Birthday.
I don't care about anniversaries. I can't keep track of them very well. I've never met somebody and immediately checked my calendar to make sure I knew exactly when it happened so I could remember it forever. Birthdays are more finite though, and more personal. They're a day for that particular human (or humans) in your life. This particular day has always been marked in mine and it feels weird right now.
We haven't spoken since last July. Funny, I don't really know if that's a long time or not. Based on the words, it doesn't seem long at all, based on how it feels, it doesn't even feel separated by time so much as by personality. I barely identify myself as the person he knew and I almost don't know if I could recognize her, let alone if he could.
I know it felt a little strange on my birthday that I wouldn't see him, but that didn't hit me that hard as it didn't seem atypical; even when we were together my birthday tended to be something I'd celebrate out with my friends. Not to mention for the past couple years comedy has swallowed my birthday whole and I almost don't see it coming until it's already behind me.
I almost sent him a text today, but the temptation was easy to resist once I realized there wasn't a point. What good would that do? What would the purpose of that even be and what would I even say? "Hi there. You've probably moved the hell on, and I have too, but I figured I'd dig up our dead relationship on your birthday because I thought we should both potentially feel awful today. Anyway, hope you're well and I miss the dog. Happy Birthday."
Part of me likes to think he stills reads this blog occasionally, or one of this friends does. I don't know why they would, but I like to think he can keep me as a background connection in his head. No matter where he goes in his life or what happens, he can look here and know that he's always loved, even if we never speak again.
I feel guilty for even thinking about him, let alone caring about him still, because I have someone else now. It seems wrong, selfish even, to still have any pushback or feelings about my ex. I'm so grateful to have found someone like the person I have, and I feel like I owe him more loyalty, but having a past is involuntary. That shadow will never stop following me. What do they call that, the feelings you have about your feelings, secondary emotion? What is that correlation in the weather metaphor? Does a storm ever feel bad about itself for happening?
I don't know if I can figure out the weather in my head any better than ancient man could. In my head I am weathering a storm, but I have less knowledge of the systems and patterns. It feels like the gods of Time and Feeling are upset with me. Maybe I need to provide a sacrifice. Maybe that sacrifice is just another moment requisite of letting go. I know it will get better with time, that I'm being irrational, this is just the first time I've had to do it, and I'm not sure how to handle myself. I'm fortunate to have the people in my life that care that I'm hurting enough to let me do it, and wait for it to pass. Eventually, the quiet has to return.
About A Blog
I'm a Denver Comedian, occasional cartoonist and person of interest to someone, probably. These articles are really too long.