Dear me in the Past,
I'm not really sure why I'm writing you since there's no way that you'll be able to see it. You wrote me, though. Or some version of me. I'm not really sure how that kind of alternate timeline universe shit works, or how long the splits are. If it's some of that " infinite now, lingering in the moment between moments" shit, there's a possibility there's some lifetime in some dimension where you actually do get a hold of this.
You wrote to me just before my 27th birthday, which for all intents and purposes was a week away from your demise. Seems fitting I let you know how that year turned out. I doubt you saw it coming. You were really hung over when you wrote to me. You don't really drink or do drugs any more. It's mostly a money thing, but you're also not that stable and you've taken a lot of steps in recent months not to slip into bad habits. If I'm not careful I start pushing. I've thought about suicide. It's complicated, but I'm working on it.
You told me that you played by the rule of doing whatever you didn't know the outcome to. We did that a lot this year. That's how we met Sweetboy, that's what took us on the road, starting shows and why we live in North Carolina now. Arguably, It also made you broke, and more than a little lost.
You told me you were interested in being who you should be, and the good news is, you're getting a lot better at that. You're not as shy about admitting that you like things. You like dinosaurs a lot more than most people in your age range. I don't know if I know who we should be, Past Self, but I'm getting better at being consistent in who I am, and I'm pretty sure that's kind of the same.
I haven't heard from kokadrille in months. I don't think he lives here any more, which is strange. I always identified him as something else, something that wasn't me that lived in my head, but it never occurred to me that he could leave. I don't remember the last time I talked to him. I know I was angry. I went looking for him and in our tangle he laughed at me. I accused him of doing what he always did. If he could smile, I'm sure he would have.
"Hate to break it to you kid," he said to me, "but this hatred is all your fault."
That was it. I had to take responsibility for my emotions and he vanished after that. I don't even remember why that happened. It's been pretty quiet in my head since he's been gone. There's pros and cons. In a weird way I miss him. Maybe this is one of those processes you were talking about.
You were feeling alienated from your body, which is hilarious to me after what I've been through in the past month. You have no idea. As for relationships and closeness, you don't have that figured out. You're very into the idea of self reliance. I haven't really made any friends since I moved. Part of me wonders if I am too tired, if this was my death knell for my dreams; there's a point where the adventure becomes less exciting and more of a chore. That distaste you had for permanence wasn't inaccurate, by the way, but there is a lot to be said for growth, for roots. You're going to be fascinated by Catalpa trees soon and that will help you sort that out, but you don't have it yet. Maybe 28 or 29 will.
You don't know that Jordan Weileba died, for me it will be one ago from Friday, I think. You weren't particularly close to her but you take it pretty hard, you just don't know what to do about it. You'll write a blog about it that people will like and you'll hate yourself for it because you won't like the attention it gets you. You feel like a vulture of tragedy, feeding off of other people's grief. It passes. Remember her though. I think it's important to remember people fondly.
You think about your ex less. You still think about him, though and it confuses you a little. You do a lot of compare and contrast between that relationship and this one, but I've learned that you can't really do that. They're different people. You see entirely different things in them. You hope that your ex is happy, the idea of him finding someone else doesn't hurt any more and you hope that the dog is doing well. That's about it. Seeing him again would be too hard at this point. I don't know if this is worth mentioning but for where you were at in your life, I guess it does.
Let's see, what did you do this year? You start a bunch of pop up shows on the road. They go okay but I don't think you know what you really want from them. You meet Sweetboy. He changes your mind about a lot of things without particularly trying. He likes to help people in a way you don't fully understand. You learn to appreciate weird things about him though, like the fights. You like fighting because it teaches you limits. He fights you so you know when to stop pushing. He won't let you devour him. He's also very curious and likes to go on little adventures. That comes in really handy when you get depressed. He got you a big ass T-Rex balloon for your birthday and it's pretty great.
For the moment, your life is pretty quiet. You've had so much starting over to do and it's hard. Meeting people is hard. Trusting them is harder. You don't know how to reach out to the people you used to see all the time in Denver. You're still confused and frustrated by your time there. You really hate some people, you realize, to surprising degrees. Most of them you miss though.
I don't really know what to tell you, past self, because you'll never see this. I'm pretty sure you didn't see any of this coming. You've grown a lot (I think) but being this way is a little scary. You don't have monsters to protect you or take the blame for your shitty behavior. You've given up the lies you used as crutches. You're very vulnerable and it's pretty scary, and you're sober so you feel fucking everything. I don't know where it goes from here. 28 will have to let us know.
I'll be honest with you, I don't really know what I want with my life right now. August left me pretty shook up. It took a lot of my drive. I don't feel complacent, just lost, but I also feel more patient. I just have to stay aware. I feel very vulnerable right now and very, very shy. I've never been confident and honest at the same time before. This is all pretty new.
I hope you finally got some sleep, 26. I hope you did feel loved. I think you did, even in your loneliness I think you sensed it.
You in the Present, Future, or whenever the fuck this would be considered.
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I'm a Denver Comedian, occasional cartoonist and person of interest to someone, probably. These articles are really too long.