I am so tired, and I am barely able to handle being awake, but today is better than yesterday.
I think about how weird this must be for you, that I'm writing everything so publicly. I was always an attention whore, I guess. Mostly now I'm doing it because I hope you'll see it. I don't know why I want you to see it. I want you to know that I'm hurting. Not because I'm trying to be vindictive but because I don't really know how else I can prove you mattered. It felt like I took you for granted, like you don't know.
I hope, even if I know better, that you still want to see me, because that's the idea that hurts. That's what feels like nails. I hope that you are going on adventures in the mountains and you are going to find me later. I know that that's not true, but that's what I hope.
I am scared that I told that story. I never got help for it. I still haven't. I think I will deal with that soon. I am trying to think of what else hurts but I am so tired. I've been drawing monsters, Jordan, I wish you could see them.
I don't know if I can go over all the ways I was mean to you. I don't know if I'm ready to. I am forcing myself to think about the things that I hated. I don't know when it started that I felt like you had grown distant from me, but I'm pretty sure I caused it. I feel like I've been tricked. I feel like I lied to myself, I feel like you lied to me, and I feel like I was led away from you. I think that's me not accepting responsibility for my actions. I'm working on that.
Being here is very unappealing. I hate this place and I don't want to spend much time here, but my options are limited right now. I don't know where else I'm going to go yet. I'm saving up and I'll be somewhere else by New Year's. I can't really do standup right now. I haven't been able to write anything outside of these journals and the idea of climbing on stage just sounds like a melt down (further meltdown) waiting to happen. I'm having trouble looking anyone in the eye. I check my e-mail and feel like I've climbed a mountain. Most of the time I just want to sleep. I don't know what I think will happen when I wake up.
Today has been a lot of things, but in some ways it's been calmer. I am angry at you, I am angry at myself. I am sad, I am looking forward. Mostly I am thinking about how much this period of time is going to suck, but it also doesn't seem to stretch on forever. I saw my brother and talked to him a lot. I can hear how all over the place my thoughts are.
I know that if I saw you and you'd ask me, I'd be yours again, whether or not that's a good thing, but it would be so difficult to know what to do. In my head we'd sit in silence for a very long time. It would be starting over. Kyle pointed out that if I'm starting from the beginning I might as well do so with someone I have no history with. I don't know. Maybe he's right, but it's still shitty.
Apparently science has studied English literature and only found six plot arcs:
I guess if you're simplifying to parabolas, this makes a lot of sense. I wonder if life is more nuanced than that, or if it's really all the same, it's just dependent on time. I've been thinking about which one I'm doing right now. The good new is, I don't think it's an ongoing fall.
Part of me is very lonely and wants to find comfort in someone. I think the worst reason to let someone touch you is because you're lonely. That's what I liked about you; we grew together for a long time before we grew apart. I am hoping that we are in the middle of the rise-fall-rise, but who knows. I am starting to accept the reality of you not being around, whether or not I like that idea. I don't really want anyone else to be near me, but I don't really know how long it takes for loneliness to take over my brain. I'm not drinking so I probably have more resolve than I have had in the past.
I have been thinking about when you saw me this October and I had marks on my neck and you had such a defeated look on your face. You were helping me fix my bike. I think a lot about the reasons why I cheated on you. I don't know if I have the energy to talk about it yet, but I am processing. It wasn't an isolated incident and I really don't want to be the kind of person who does that to someone they're with any more. I wish that's a line I never crossed.
I want to learn how to be more honest about how I feel. I tried to, but for some reason I felt like you couldn't hear me. I wanted so badly for you to hear me and I'd get so frustrated. I don't know, maybe you did. Maybe I was expecting something weird.
I remember once when I lived in that house with Naomi and I called you a bunch of times one night. I don't remember why but I was freaking out. You were really drunk when you finally picked up, you said you didn't want to talk to me and hung up the phone. I thought that was it. Naomi and I went for a walk while I tried to process that you were done with me and when we got back to the house you were waiting for me on the porch, worried about all those missed calls and you didn't remember talking to me at all. That was about four years ago, the last time we did this.
I think I wanted you to chase me. I guess that feels nice, it makes you feel wanted when someone chases you. The problem with doing anything public and social is that a lot of people chase you, so it sucked to feel like you didn't want to. You were the one I wanted to think I was special, and I was just a house cat in your mind. I get that it's an absurd thing to ask of someone, especially after how long we'd been together. I was never secure. I don't know if I could peg you being distanced to my lashing out, which one came first, but they certainly didn't help each other.
I hope you remember the times I did try to talk to you about how I felt. Maybe you just didn't know what to say. I'm a little jealous that you're somewhere else. I guess I don't really know what you went through or what you're going through now but in my mind you're dealing with it better than me, because you usually dealt with things better than I did.
Right now I'm trying to muddle through this, and my feelings are a hundred balloons in my head and it's hard to know whether or not I should be holding on or letting them go, and which ones are meant to go where. It feels good to be out of Denver. I want to start working on being the person that would have been good to you. I want to be the kind of person who doesn't manipulate other people, who is loyal and open. I know that was me at one point in time, and I think I can do it again, whether or not you find me.
About A Blog
I'm a Denver Comedian, occasional cartoonist and person of interest to someone, probably. These articles are really too long.