Spokane, WA —Doctors breathed a sigh of relief as newborn Amanda Dillard emerged from harrowing conditions during a hostage negotiation in St. Joseph's Maternity ward last Thursday. Dillard had been trapped inside of a pregnant woman, Wanda Dillard, for nine months.
Deliberations lasted for several hours, with heated exchanges on both sides. Before being convinced to go to the hospital, Wanda Dillard reportedly backed herself into a corner with a broken bottle of soy sauce threatening her husband, demanding, "Get this #$%*!ing monster out of me!", sources say.
"It's tough to say how she got in there, or survived for so long," Chief of Medicine Robert Galant told reporters. "We know where they come from, but if we miss the stork, sometimes they just wander into the strangest places."
"I just feel so lucky. Relieved," Ray Dillard, Amanda's father remarked. "She was really clawing her way out of there, she was really brave." Despite keeping baby Amanda hostage for almost a year, he does not intend to press charges against his wife. Dillard's mother could not be reached for comment.
I find Christmas to be quite stressful. I'm not very good at getting people what they like or meeting deadlines, so Christmas is a mash up of those things with little sprinkles of baby Jesus and Frank Sinatra sings Christmas thrown in for flavor. It's not that I can't appreciate the season, it's just that I don't. **There's also this weird, pseudo-anarchist part of me that things part of the cruelty of christmas is the idea that corporations know that you're more likely to buy shit for yourself because you're out buying shit for people anyway, therefore sending you further into crippling debt under the guise of being kind to others.
Anyway, I've been trying to come up with some gifts for the people in my life and it's been a struggle. Apparently, my gift ideas are things that prove that those who I'm closest to in life are actually total strangers to me. Maybe I'm so enveloped in my own little world I never learned about my friends to figure these things out. Maybe my friends are boring and sad people who need little more than a new drama series on netflix and a basket of muffins to get them through the day. Maybe I'm just so poverty-stricken that the idea of giving someone a gift I didn't find left on a park bench seems outrageous. Whatever the reason, you know what you get from me for Christmas? Gift Cards.
Gift cards are like the polite way of telling someone, I know nothing about you, but I know you're human and live in this country, so you probably have to eat/consume caffeine. Since I haven't heard you talk about how meat is murder, I give you the gift of an entree at Applebee's. If I have heard you talk about how meat is murder, here is a Starbuck's card and a nobody-likes-you keychain.
The thing that seems so weird about gift cards, is that not only are you telling someone you know nothing about them, you're also ordering them to do something your way. It's like handing someone a card that says, I don't know you, but I feel like you should sit down at a Red Lobster and put food in your mouth.
So the pros of gift cards? Well, there's gotta be some sense of honesty in handing someone a piece of plastic with a designated monetary value stamped on the front. It's like a nonverbal assessment of how much you like someone you don't know very well. Sure I don't know your birthday, but your approval is worth a whole $20 in lattes!!
In that sense, these are the best gifts for your cynical friends, and you'll know, sometime, somewhere, you controlled what somebody ate that day.
About A Blog
I'm a Denver Comedian, occasional cartoonist and person of interest to someone, probably. These articles are really too long.