Sometimes when I’m depressed, I buy orange soda, because it makes me happy. If I were to pick a last meal, it would be sushi and ice cream sandwiches. I can recognize almost any breed of dog within a few seconds of seeing it.. As a teenager I daydreamed about my autopsy more than my wedding or funeral. I take it personally when animals don’t automatically love me. I have a weird habit of accidentally locking myself out of people’s cars because my brother used to play a trick on me and I never unlearned the paranoia.
These are some the little details of who I am. They make up my personality and while they’re not exactly important parts of me, they’re important in the sense that I’d be a different person if they ceased to be true.
A lot of people may argue that those little things, like your taste in music or silly neurosis is malleable and in no way a good measure of who you are. Some would argue it’s your core values, your ethics and beliefs that make you an individual. I would tend to believe that core values are just as shakeable and transitional as your favorite food. Being human is something of a process, you cultivate the kind of person you are throughout your lifespan, and in doing so you impart some of that person onto others and so on. What makes you you are the little bits of each belief and experience that stick around like seeds in your teeth.
I can cycle through a lot of different ways of being myself, but I’ll never really cycle through different ways of being someone else; not honestly. It’s a strange thing to know that I can be someone that’s not myself, but at the same time, I’ll never be somebody else no matter how I try to emulate them. I think that’s partially because we only view the external presentation of a person, which excludes the cycle of people they run through over their lifespan.
I find myself becoming envious of people who appear to be self assured and know what they want; like many other people, I lack confidence and I question my own motives all the time. It’s hard for me to imagine that confident people do this at any point in their life, but I’m sure they do. Maybe they don’t do it as frequently or deeply, but everyone has to encounter some sense of self doubt in their lifetime.
Even so, there are glimmers of myself that appear very self assured. I used to think that it was silence that made me seem well equipped to deal with things; not talking about my problems was an effective solution because if nobody knew they existed, it was almost like they didn’t. Aside from the nagging, gnawing chasm I’d occasionally catch sight of in my own head, I felt pretty grounded.
The principle drawback to this way of thinking is that those kinds of silences, the ones pregnant with unspoken pain, tend to gestate little monsters, ones that eat away inside and leave less and less of who you are, and more and more of that confused ball of doubt that makes you question every decision you make, whether they’re major life changes or which kind of cheese you should order on your sandwich.
This becomes amplified depending on how big the trauma is. Little tragedies breed little monsters, things that upset your day but will eventually get laundered out as you change from day to day. Bigger things, things that we don’t even know how to talk about as a society, will linger, not like seeds in your teeth but like tumors, growing and taking up space that was meant for something healthy and functional. The longer you keep that shit locked inside, the longer its claws will grow and the harder it will try to escape.
This year, I’m trying to learn to externalize. Sometimes this is very silly and prosaic, and includes a laundry list of stupid and occasionally hurtful thoughts that may not have needed to make it into the shared atmosphere of other people, but I’m new here. It’s taking me a little bit longer than I thought to figure out what I should and shouldn’t say, what’s appropriate and furthermore what might be unnecessary. I find myself tightening up when I think what I’m about to say will hurt someone else’s feelings, which I suppose is normal and in many ways a good impulse. Just because you don’t want to hurt someone doesn’t mean that silence protects them, though. It just means the pain will take longer and most likely be more intense. Maybe that’s dramaticizing the issue, I don’t really know.
There’s no way to get rid of or even effectively contain thoughts if you leave them within the confines of your own skin. I know that a lot of my thoughts are redundant, negative, and don’t need to be expressed to everyone all the time. It’s not the thoughts themselves that I think are that important, it’s the expression of them that seems to be. The more you let the little pieces of your head out into the general atmosphere, the more room you have internally, the more focus, the more peace.
I’ve always been in the depths of my head like I was pearl diving for wisdom in my thoughts, but at some point you have to come up for air, and let out the things that are inside. Sometimes this means I’m proven wrong, or I feel stupid, or that I’ve hurt someone. We all do that. We all test and overstep boundaries, but without attempting anything externally, how do you know you’ll connect?
I can’t imagine being human without other people around to help, and part of that entails expressing to them what’s going on inside of you. As much as we enjoy the feeling of empathizing or empathizing with, or we believe to know someone so well we can “read minds” the whole point of existing in a physical reality is the ability to make things finite, concrete, and determinable to more than just yourself. We’re not bound to the ineffable world of consciousness or spirituality any more than we’re bound to the material; we have an opportunity to use both.
So talk out loud. To yourself, to the people around you. It’s weird and uncomfortable to start. I don’t know if it gets easier but it gets normal. More than that, you stop getting run down by that feeling of thinking too much. You bring balance to your internal world.
Hi, I'm Kira. Once a month I add a piece of content that ends by politely telling you that I'm attempting to have this website pay for itself this year because I won't be able to afford to run it next year on my own. If you like these articles, it'd be a cool thing to help me keep cranking them out. You can help me out by using the support link or clicking on this sentence. Thanks, carry on.
About A Blog
I'm a Denver Comedian, occasional cartoonist and person of interest to someone, probably. These articles are really too long.