This is the only letter I can think of that's not for Jordan. I am going to do my best to be vague about who you are. I don't know that you would receive any backlash about this but it isn't my intention, and hopefully it's fine. In my experience these little dramas don't tend to edge past those immediately involved, but I am a very vindictive individual, and I am unsure how to separate the way I process this from the way I attack people I feel have wronged me. For whatever it's worth despite the very deep, hard feelings, I paradoxically don't hold anything against you. I see what happened as my decision and my fault, it just so happened that it was with you.
I had no idea how quickly I could go from liking someone to absolutely loathing them. I have to spend a lot of time convincing myself you didn't dupe me into something I didn't want, because I have been feeling very used. I know that demonizing you is a trick my brain does in order to exculpate myself, and I probably took more steps towards you than you did to me, that's how I work. I have an amazing ability to seem like I know what the fuck I am doing, which is something I think we have in common.
This is very hard to write. I don't trust you. I don't know what you want. I've been thinking about that first conversation we had about how to do what we were about to in the most ethical way possible. I was drunk and I remember suppressing the urge to laugh at the absurdity of that. There is no ethical way to cheat on someone. You didn't have my phone in your pocket so you didn't know how many times I was ignoring Jordan calling, looking for me. I wish I had slept on your couch.
I think you are manipulative, just like I am manipulative, because you are indecisive and you have lots of opportunities and giving up any of them seems like a bad idea. You have access to more of the world than most people, and whenever you make a wrong turn you're clever enough to talk yourself out of it. I don't think you're a bad person, but if you're not careful you're going to be a monster. You are cavalier about things that have meaning to have other people. I don't think you intend to, it's just not something you understand the value of, or you're dismissive of it because you can make sound arguments against those things. Whether or not you can, that doesn't mean you should devalue them to other people.
This is in particular related to monogamy and relationships, obviously, but I'm sure it spreads into other details of your life. I don't think that you don't understand the concepts, I think you don't get how big they are to other people or what happens when you take big meaning from people. If you did, then what I know about you makes you seem like a pretty terrible person.
There is no meaning of life, and our time in the universe is fleeting and isolated. We create meaning for ourselves, and the big meanings are the ones that keep us from feeling how close we are to nothingness, they make us human. There are so few things we find ourselves anchored to, and when you pull meaning from someone you take that from them. It is enough to destroy somebody. That's the danger of nihilism.
I can't say I understand those things either. If either of us did we never would have pursued anything. Maybe I'm wrong though, maybe I'm projecting. I had been thinking of breaking you, because I was pretty confident that this observation is true regardless of how I think of you as a person. I also thought you want to be broken, because I imagine feeling that indecisive is a cause of a lot of anxiety for you. As someone who is shattered right now, I can admit that I don't feel indecisive or anxious. I don't really have a need for feelings like that right now. At this point I just don't want to see you again or hear your name, and leaving was a good way to ensure that.
I'm sorry for texting you when I got drunk. I know I did when I broke my phone and I really don't remember much about what I said to you. I wish I had handled myself better, but I am working with a very old book of rules. I hadn't ever left someone before, I hadn't tried to cultivate whatever the fuck we were doing before and I sure as shit had no idea how to handle that ending in tandem with the train wreck break up I was procrastinating on until a like a week ago. I think you knew that, and you did the best you could. I think you made an effort not to make me feel worse than I did and I am very grateful for that.
There were a lot of positive things I got from knowing you. You were very kind to me and you were open about how you felt, so far as I know anyway. You were fun to talk to and interested in almost everything. I remember you had this funny look on your face when I was telling you about water bears. If it ever felt like you were hiding something, you were pretty quick to catch yourself on it and say something, even if I didn't really follow. You tried to get me to talk about what was going on and you kept lending yourself as support which I couldn't express to you why I wouldn't accept.
Comparably speaking, you were a stranger to me, and I couldn't trust you. It takes me a long time to talk about how I feel, because it takes me a long time to feel. It has nothing to do with saying it eloquently, it's just hard to answer "How are you feeling?" with anything besides what I imagine would be the sound at the bottom of a lake when a crocodile is drowning its prey and it takes its last breath. While I knew you I saw Jordan breaking and that wasn't something I knew how to handle. I wanted to make him happy. Seeing him sad was physically painful, it made my Kokadrille start thrashing and I wanted to hurt myself on Jordan's behalf. Whatever you were to me, I love him, and that's how I learned what I am telling you about taking meaning from someone else.
I was pretty blinded by a desperate need not to feel pain which at the very least I'm not blind to right now from my little hideaway in a mountain. I don't think you were terrible to me, (no more than what was going to be inevitable), but I do think you need to be careful. I think you'll benefit from that.
I hate myself for what I did to him, and you're a part of that somehow but I don't really know what that means. You are young. You will be fine. That probably applies to me as well, but it feels farther away. I wish I felt more solid about this. I had hoped that writing this would give me some sense of resolution. I guess it feels closer to it, but I am still conflicted. For what it's worth, despite my regret you taught me a lot. That's all I could really ask from anyone.
About A Blog
I'm a Denver Comedian, occasional cartoonist and person of interest to someone, probably. These articles are really too long.